The golden key to unlock cooperation

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I usually get asked if I have a golden formula to gain cooperation from kids without yelling and repeating the request for a handful of times. Surprisingly, I have the formula… the golden key… the alchemic catalyst… Drum roll, please… CONNECTION

Connection or relatedness is the need to interact, be connected to, and experience caring for others. When relatedness is fulfilled, it feels like we have meaningful relationships and interactions with other people which consequently motivates the self to initiate healthy behavior.

Connection is a crucial factor in the well-being of humans. Research shows that the lack of connection is the root of the addiction. It is critical to know that connection or love is the building block of the human brain.

Connection produces oxytocin or the cuddle hormone as well as serotonin which is the contributor to feelings of well-being and happiness. These hormones are cortisol blockers which are the stress hormone. Connection takes us out of the fight-or-flight system and reactivates our thinking brain.

The hormones released by connection make kids smarter, more emotionally resilient, mentally healthy, and happy from inside out. And last but not least connection begets cooperation which is one of my favorite mantras.

As Dr. Dan Siegel suggests, make sure you shower your kids with the 4 S’s daily and make them feel SEEN, SAFE, SECURE, and SOOTHED.

Next time, you feel frustrated that your kids do not clean their rooms or brush his teeth or get ready in the morning, take a deep breath and remember that behavior is a symptom. Ask yourself if you have deposited enough currency in their bank account by connecting them on a daily basis or have you just barked order at the all-day every day? Remember that behavior is the tip of the iceberg that is impregnated with unmet needs, unconscious questions such as:

Do I matter? Do I have power? Do I belong? Am I worthy? Am I loved? Am I enough?

Use the mantra, “My kids do better when they feel better” when you are about to lose it to your fight-or-flight system, and follow the following recipe every day to fill their connectedness bucket:

20-sec heart-to-heart hugs after each separation period
10-min 1-1 time with each child during the day
5-minute laugh time during the day
5 to 10 minutes of snuggle time at night

I guarantee that these practices will drastically transform your family life for more cooperation, peace, love, and joy. Just be genuine. Enjoy the time yourself. Let your inner child laugh, play, and feel loved during those times.

You can also use these tools with your partners to cultivate a thriving relationship. We sometimes put our partnership on a backburner after having kids. If you live in Monterey County, California, I am having a Couples Workshop on February 16th from 1 PM to 4 PM where we learn and practice the proven communication skills to gracefully and compassionately resolve any conflict. Please visit my homepage to view the details. You can also email me (arayeh@yahoo.com) and let me know if you can make it. I can only take 6 couples at this time.

Join my parenting group on Facebook for more conscious parenting tips and tools.

Love and light,

Dr. Arayeh